As the coronavirus panic grips our nation and toilet paper shelves remain empty at stores, we can turn to the trees in our neighborhood parkways for a comfortable and convenient wipe. Simply find these common trees on your street and pick the number of needed leaves. Remember, leave some for others, and trees need to make food for themselves (photosynthesis) via their leaves, so don’t remove all of them. Also, if someone is already collecting from a tree, move on to another one to enforce appropriate social distancing.
1. Sycamore (Platanus spp.)—These broad leaves allow for ample coverage. They are also thick enough to help avoid the danger of accidental tear-through, although doubling up might be safer. The finely textured fuzz will leave you feeling soft and clean. I recommend the newest leaves at the tips of branches as the soft hairs tend to disappear as the leaves age.
2. Maidenhair Tree (Ginkgo biloba)—These leaves are on the smaller size, but are pliable and useful for getting harder to reach areas. The fan shape of the leaves also helps indicate a natural directionality to the wiping (always front to back!). I recommend tripling up.
3. Silver maple (Acer saccharinum)—A broadleaf with a fuzzy underside. I encourage you to not fold this leaf. The hairless topside will grip better against your hand while the soft, silver underside wipes without slippage.
4. Catalpas or cigar bean trees (Catalpa sp.)—These beautiful, heart-shaped leaves that turn golden in the fall can create a lush, almost tropical feel in the bathroom. They stack neatly on top of each other and can be hoarded for weeks without needing to resupply. Catalposide, a medicinal compound made in the leaves, will leave you feeling healthy (and a little numb). I recommend using the western catalpa (C. speciosa) as the leaves of southern catalpa (C. bignonioides) can have an unpleasant scent when crushed.
5. Southern Magnolia (Magnolia grandiflora)—This is the leaf for the larger man in the family. It’s thick, very resistant to tearing, has a large surface area, and an underside with a fine rust-colored, felt. I recommend collecting the larger, more flexible, shade-grown leaves for the comfort and coverage necessary for a generous backside. As one of the most widely grown ornamental trees on earth, you’ll be able to quickly locate one, near enough to your house as not to have to venture too far from where you are sheltering in place.
Bonus his and hers wiping: Southern magnolia makes one of the largest tree flowers in the world, so collect and store the large leathery petals while you’re out there, your wife will appreciate it.
Leaves to avoid:
Pine trees, or conifers in general. Although these can leave you smelling fresh, the needles don’t have the flat surface area necessary to avoid making a total mess of your hands. It seems obvious, but worth saying that you should avoid poison ivy and poison oak. Several species of elms and hackberries are known as sandpaper leaf trees. Need I say more?
To learn more about these trees and many more in your neighborhood, check out SelecTree and my book, Trees among Us, from which the pages above were taken.
—Matt Ritter, www.mattritter.net
